The Cheating in the Elephant Room

I'm not a person who normally cares about pop culture tabloid stuff but did you hear that Adam Levine of Maroon 5 cheated on his model wife? 

It's weird how interested I am in this topic. I'm eating this up. Oddly it's not for the reasons you likely think.  I like seeing all the sides. (Also, not entirely related but damn, mercury in retrograde was hitting so hard.)

Some people appear all bent out of shape about Adam cheating on a literal model as though there's no hope for love if the most beautiful people get cheated on.  I can see the logic but that's not how cheating works.  Beautiful people actually aren't entitled to being happier than ugly people despite what we see in TV and movies. 

I forget who first told me but guys don't leave you because they are able to get a more beautiful, smarter, more successful gal in the bed.  They leave you for someone easier.  Easier is not bad, it's just easier. 

Let that sink in.  I know that sounds nuts but hear me out.  Why would you not choose someone easier?  You can have a calm peaceful relationship with someone who doesn't challenge you, doesn't nag you, isn't screaming about how you forgot to feed the dog...this easier stress free gal? She's a breeze because the hard and difficult parts of an actual relationship do not apply.  You just have the physical thing and you're done.  Or if it's an emotional affair you get a 3rd party sounding board to complain to that isn't already sick of hearing you tell the same stale story 800 times.  

It's kind of sad because especially an achievement minded person will be depressed about why she even bothered being so competitive and working so hard only to be discarded but I kind of like knowing it doesn't matter.  

If it doesn't matter if I'm the best, the hottest, the smartest, the most uninhibited or whatever...then why is that important to me? Am I doing these things for me or because I naively believed I needed to chase perfection to be deserving of affection?  I don't have to chase some impossible end goal if it's immaterial to my overall success and happiness therefore I should just be myself and hope the right person comes along who gets it and appreciates it.  Women tend to feel a lot of competition because we've mistaken that success means worthiness.  I am not in competition with all the other girls in the world because who cares if she's prettier than me?  She can be the best version of herself and I can be the best version of myself and we are not in competition with one another because we are on different tracks. We aren't running the same race on the same terms so why am I trying so hard to beat her?  And I can't waste energy being jealous of every beautiful girl in the world. Like...technically I suppose I could but why?  I'm not wired for jealousy because my anxiety about an unsubstantiated outcome does not change the real outcome so I don't feel like it's a valuable action to take. I have plenty of other things to feel inadequate about okay?  I need not waste it on that specific one.  Plus beauty is so relative because I've had friends talk about this "super hot guy" and when I meet him he looks like a melted version of what my imagination cobbled together. What is beautiful to you might not be beautiful to me.  If I'm going to be jealous I'd more likely be jealous of a sparking wit, great style and sharp tongue.  I know that's lame to say out loud but I've dated handsome guys who have listed their scars and explained when and where they got them to me. Physical beauty is great, I'm a big fan, but it's not going to keep me from wanting to fall asleep as you explain cauterization to me. (That's really what happened. I wish I was exaggerating.)

We all know some random gal from high school that married like the first dude she ever dated, they've been married for an eternity and have 78 kids.  Is her marriage proof she's more successful than me? Obviously not. I would rather be single and happy than married and miserable any day, right? And who did she marry? Is he even that great? I have dubious feelings about people who marry their high school sweetheart.  I think it's a really sweet idea but in actual practice?  You're a totally different person at 16 than you are at 23; I'm pretty sure the likelihood you hate each other later is pretty high as your resentments pile up about the things you never experienced bubble up.  Is nameless gal from high school better than Behati who got cheated on her her husband? No. Behati was a literal Victoria's Secret Angel, her life experiences are probably beyond our ability to understand plus she's rich, thin and beautiful. Even if there's a divorce she will be okay.  She will not starve. She will find another love if she desires to do so.  Why do we gauge success by who gets a ring on her finger first and longest?  It's stupid.  Being married and all the markers of settled life do not make you any better than anyone else.  You didn't crack some magic code to happiness, you just happened to be wed longer. 

Also, Behati doesn't seem mad. She probably is screaming behind closed doors but she's not filing divorce papers at the moment right? So she's actually not as enraged as a lot of people would be.  If she ain't mad why are we mad on her behalf? She knows who she married way better than I do. Not everyone has the traditional perspective towards marriage and monogamy.  She won't let anyone see her sweat.  She's pregnant with their 3rd kid so I doubt she's leaving but her vibe makes me feel like she is sure to make him miserable as he is groveling for forgiveness.  

If I were some hot young gal being hit on by an older famous rich man? I'm not going to pretend I'd stand a good chance of dealing with his intentions and not falling into the magic of feeling flattered if he's as attractive as Adam.  I know! It sucks. But it's true!  He seems like a jerk but a hot jerk and I will call myself all the way out and admit that would work for me.  I allowed hot guys much more leniency as they slowly unfurled their red flags.  I don't really care about money or status so even taking those out of the equation I would still be vulnerable.  He's not ugly and he's throwing all these compliments my way? He's literally been sleeping with 10's for decades and he thinks I am hot? Talk about validation on steroids.  Because in my immature 19 yr old brain I'm convinced that a powerful guy who can have anyone in the world picking me means I am exemplary and amazing and worthy.   Male validation is so intoxicating and confusing when you're young and it's not what I thought it would be.  I thought it would be all lusty hormonal driven stuff but beyond that flash in the pan feeling it's wanting to find your value reflected back in the eyes of others. Please tell me I'm valuable and important; I'm desperate to know someone else in the world truly sees me.

If you're not a well defined person who loves themselves it's easy to fall into bad relationships because you're like a lizard on a rock trying to absorb heat from external loci. You can't warm up with self esteem on your own so you'll naturally lean into other dudes who can temporarily make you feel sexy and smart and desirable and charming.  The problem is long term you can't keep sunning yourself on his rock forever like an energy vampire.  No one actually enjoys having the life blood sucked out of them.  He'll likely leave you (for someone easier) and you'll be cold again and the cycle will repeat with some other dude until you level up and figure out how to love yourself.  I know people joke around about girls with daddy issues falling prey to bad relationship cycles but frankly, you can fall into bad relationship cycles simply because you don't love yourself enough yet to understand that some dude's cheap empty compliment is not enough to fill your emotional well.  

Hey, have fun while you can. High five for sluts. Being young and respectfully impulsive is actually a lot of fun in the moment; sleep with the hot rock star and have great stories to tell your girlfriends later. I LOVE hearing stories of my friends hoeing it up.  I get to live vicariously through you? Yes please. You only have so many perky chest years, okay? Live it up while things are riding high. I just don't like it when people delude themselves that he was ever going to leave his wife for you. Nah girl, see it for what it is. If he wanted a booty call and you wanted to have good gossip and a warm bed then it's a mutually beneficial situation.  If he wanted a booty call and you wanted a boyfriend? Oof. Incompatible end goals.  

If you want to sleep around that's fine. You're a grown up and can make your own decisions in life and you decide whom you share your bed with but don't be a hypocrite.  You can't play it both ways. You can't whine he manipulated you when his marital status is literally freely available on Google.  If you wanted a real relationship then you should have demanded that and not accepted being anything less.  If you accept less you can't be surprised when you receive it.  

Do you like this big sister energy I'm giving? I don't have daughters. Who will I ever take under my wing and hype up? Who will hear the silly stories and laugh with me about the terrible impressions guys have left on me over time?  It's an untapped well of cringe stories that will make you never want to be single ever again.  

I am a ride or die kind of friend. I will support anybody I care about and not be a judgmental prick if I happen to disagree.  Oh you slept with that dude I literally hate? Well, I would not have chosen similarly but I hope he was a fun ride, that you were safe and of course tell me all the salacious details you feel comfortable with. What do I get out of berating you anyway? Nothing.  I don't actually need to look down my nose at you in order to feel better about myself and embarrassing you will only push you away in small increments.  I don't envy that Adam and his wife have to deal with this publicly but I also tend to not see it as a black and white situation where he is 100% bad. If he was my friend I would have a lot of empathy for him as a dude who made some bad decisions but still needs his support system. 

Adam Levine is an interesting character because he had a whole bad boy player reputation in the 00s when he was still young and doing the whole Leo DiCaprio sleep with hot models non stop thing.  Hey, if I were him would I have behaved differently? Probably not.  Why NOT sleep with beautiful people if the doors are open to you? If you can take a regular gal to bed or a Russian Supermodel why not pick the latter?  But guys in bands aren't cool. Imagine all the garage bands back when you were young. Most are awful, the guys are artsy weirdos on the fringe of high school coolness, some insist on ratty hair and ratty clothes, they spend hours practicing in dark basements and their songs are not inherently good just because they poured their hearts into making them. It's not a super cool crowd at first. But then suddenly you're hot and groupies want to bang you and your social rank suddenly went from zero to hero?  You're going to be a total tool.  You would really have to work hard to NOT be a douche bag.  When the floodgates to fame, popularity, money, status open up to that degree you can easily get swept into the superficiality.  Plus if you still feel like that loser in the lame garage band you might fight with imposter syndrome as people heap praise on you that you're not used to and feel insecure about. 

I don't think it's okay to cheat on your spouse but I also think his fame is probably something that emotionally stunted him and he will need to professionally address that and re evaluate what his goals are. Do you actually want to be married? I know society makes us feel like that's kind of the end goal and will fix all your problems but maybe it's not for you right now.  He probably needs a friend right now more than he needs millions of people calling him bad names. I also think it might be a cry for help if he was doing all this sliding into DMs and not even using a burner account. I'm ancient but even I know that if you actually wanted to cover your tracks you'd be better able to from your fake side account rather than your main verified account.  If you want to be a lifelong dirt bag that's totally a viable choice to make but just don't get married and enter into a social contract to remain with this lady forever.  I know George Clooney rescinded on his professional bachelor thing but there is nothing wrong with remaining unattached forever.  Honestly it's not hurting anyone if you state your intentions and clearly define what you want out of a relationship. 

I think Shakira's partner cheated on her.  Emily Ratajkowski's husband cheated on her, too. These are arguably some of the world's most beautiful people and their husband's seemingly don't care.  Beauty is like...a nice garnish on top but it's not actually a big deal.  For every gorgeous woman there's a dude who can get bored of her I guess.   

When I broke up with my other college boyfriend it wasn't because I disliked him. I don't talk about ZW a lot but I think my life lesson from him plays perfectly into this. I had so much fun with him and we were so compatible. Reminds me of a cleaner cut Charlie Puth with two fully intact eyebrows. Had a pinch of deviant sparkle in him that is difficult to define but really fun and unexpected.  He looked like any normal above average guy but he was down for some chaotic fun. Who else would literally have a head to toe purple pimp costume? Someone whimsical enough to think he had the swagger to carry it off which is exactly the right energy to match mine at the time. What was wrong with this man? Well nothing technically but I didn't love him.  I could list all the things I adored about him and it would be a really long pro list but it didn't mean much if I didn't want to fight for him. 

I didn't see a future with him.  I didn't even really see myself keeping up the mojo and seeing him during summer break in the wealthy part of CT where he lived. I suddenly realized he was wonderful for me in that tiny world we had on campus but if I didn't love him and I didn't care enough to invest more into an us? I was obviously deluding myself.  This thing that is not hard, very comfortable and keeps me from being lonely can be a velvet lined prison because I was spending all my time with him I wasn't attempting to find any one who actually could be more fulfilling so my options felt limited to 1. Stay with nice funny cute sensitive guy 2. Break up and be a lonely spinster with 30 cats who has to eat dinner alone and cry myself to sleep.  3. Cheat on safe great guy hoping new guy who is morally okay with cheating isn't his own hot mess.  Seems like a whole bunch of bad options. 

To be fair he didn't say he loved me either so I'm not the only stunted person here but I can only speak to my side of the situation so I'm willing to address my personal shortcomings without bashing him nor is he a flat 1 dimensional character and surely he had his own motivations in all this too.  He was a totally decent dude, just not for me for forever.  Sometimes you only get a season together but as long as it was a good one there's nothing to regret about it especially if you had an epiphany like I did. Two really nice kids who get along great and like each other and look adorable together is great. It's a wonderful foundation but that doesn't mean you're obliged to build a whole house.

If things were different? I could have easily fallen into a longer term relationship with him because I would have justified staying. I would have thought I was so lucky to find this great guy and felt stupid to let him go. Why would you let go of a top tier guy? He's attractive, fun, educated, rich and into you. What else do you need, you selfish idiot?  Guys like that don't fall out of the sky; he's like a damned unicorn.  What if I never found another one?  I've already sunk all this time with him wouldn't it be a waste to leave?  The voices of reason are very compelling especially when he's a decent person and I didn't fall out of "like" with him.  If reason alone motivated me I would have surely stayed.

People do it all the time, especially if it's their first big relationship.  Everyone knows some long term couple who were dating for like an absurd amount of time, like 9 years, they break up and then the moment the boy of the relationship meets another girl he marries her like 6 months later.  It's not that he didn't want to commit and get married, he just didn't want to marry girlfriend number 1.  He wanted all the things! But if it's not with you then you're justified in feeling mad he wasted your time and the best of your perky hot bod years.  It happens so often it should be a whole genre of book trope.

It's easy to stay with what is comfortable out of fear of what will surely be 100% uncomfortable.  Being alone sucks. Feeling your feelings is awful.  A cold empty bed is very lonely.  Why would I ever choose that? I don't even like eating lunch alone.  The familiarity of this life is something I know while conversely the agony of starting over after divorcing my model wife will 100% be awful and I don't want to do that.  So I understand why Adam and men like him do this emotional cheating nonsense because they actually don't want to let go of their wife and family and all that stuff.  They want all the things all at once.  They want all the validation and connection and excitement and they're willing to bet that they can avoid being caught.  I didn't ever cheat but is staying with someone you don't see the whole white picket fence future with any more kind?  Is wasting their precious time any better?   In the moment it feels like kindness to avoid hurting their feelings when in fact it would likely be much better to just lay your cards fully on the table.  

I've also heard men are only as monogamous as their options. Does that sound awful? I agree it is a horrible notion.  But then again I'm not a rich pop star with beautiful people throwing themselves at me so my options are not comparable to theirs and most of us are not regularly hit on and propositioned. When you're used to having extraordinary things happen to you all the time you can feel like you deserve to have the rules made flexible just for you.  Rules apply to those normal average folks but me? Not so much.  Don't you know who I am? 

I'm not famous but when I was at peak club girl phase in my life I could convince guys to do anything in their power to impress me. I got into VIP sections for free, based on nothing but my face and body. I got an untold number of free drinks.  I danced rather unsafely on bar tops.  Guys in cover bands allowed me on stage to sing with them.  Thank goodness I'm not tone deaf, huh? I got snuck in so many weird places I did not belong.  Even if guys weren't connected or rich I could still convince them to piggy back me around town. Ask Kim, I did it ALL the time and they were pleased as punch to serve as my personal pack mule.  You want me to take advantage of your kindness? If you say so, fella, Giddyup!  The power of knowing the usual rules do not apply to me?  It's a trip.  It can only get worse and worse if people always allow you to be the exception to the rules and I wasn't even famous.  Imagine the things I would manipulate people into doing for me if I were also famous!  It would be evil villain level bad to wield that much power in my 20 year old form. My frontal cortex wasn't fully developed so my choices were erratic and impulsive at times.  It would be pretty toxic now but at least I have some maturity on my side now.  

I think the only reason I'm not evil laughing from the depths of my bad guy bunker is I do ultimately feel guilty. Everyone's just seeking approval and validation, even those poor saps with their tongues hanging out desperate to please me. Even if people allow me to be spoiled rotten it doesn't mean I have to take them up on it.  Did you read "Sharp Objects" by Gillian Flynn? Or I guess you could have watched the limited series, but in either case at one point Amma says “Sometimes if you let people do things to you, you're really doing it to them.”   Imagine the recitation done by a flippant teen girl for full dramatic impact. In the context of the book it's messed up but it's a lot of self harm themes throughout so I guess that's my version of a trigger warning.  It makes sense in the context of people abusing one another and/or themselves.  It's a good book but it can be very dark and I would not wish to reread it due to my apparently very sensitive sensibilities.  In the context of the mating dance we do this reciprocal back and forth of positive reinforcement and emotional manipulation is also apt.  In the moment we may feel powerful but really we end up hurting ourselves when we take it too far because any real relationship is grounded in balance.   

Everything comes back to books, I know! I'm sorry. I just can't help it. Adam and guys like him think they're f-ing this hot girl but the reality is they were f-ing themselves. How oddly poetic.