Medium Fidelity

Do you remember that movie "High Fidelity" with John Cussack? I used to love that one. I really liked "Serendipity" more but it was a period of John Cussack hits.  He spoke to the every man.  A pale, kind of awkward but totally normal looking guy.

I rewatched "High Fidelity" recently and man, I forgot what was tool the protagonist Rob is. I actually believe it holds up even though he annoys me.  I think it's a real enlightening watch for young men. Kind of like "500 days of Summer."  You get more as you rewatch. I have to remove my feminist takes from the equation. It's hard because I want to be mad but if you see it for what it is, a movie made in a fully male perspective about a male experience then it's pretty good. I don't want to date him and I want Laura to run for the hills but I don't have to agree with them.

It's a man's journey to get to the conclusion that he is the common denominator in his problem with women. And his career if truth be told. He let one break up make him a drop out. He didn't even continue DJing in favor or stagnating in his run down record store with no customers.  Rob is literally the worst of what I hated in guys and probably why I have such a strong anger toward him.  How dare you fritter away your white man privilege? Don't you know how great you have it to even be in a position to date those women and go to college and have the money for a record store? Ugh! 

I realize he is fictional but he's not. There are guys like this.  Lots of guys who just fall upward and then get mad when they have a long term girlfriend and make no effort but then play victim when she dumps him and leaves because at her core she doesn't believe he cares and he won't be a good long term choice. 

You're not the victim when you have done nothing to help sustain this relationship!

Watch it again.  I was particularly mad for his high school girlfriend. And he didn't even seem sad he had a role in ruining her first experience with sex. 

I personally didn't date a Rob. I'm not here on this Earth to fix broken men. I'm not hopeful I'll get a full emotionally intact one but damn, we don't have to rehab all the broken boys of the world. That's not on the job description of girlfriend. 

I should clarify that some people are naturals at nurturing and like having someone to focus her love and attention on.  Not me. I'm not a natural nurturer.  I've learned to be more nurturing and more empathetic but it's not my first knee jerk instinct. Kim as an example is emotional and soft and kind. She's a double water sign, no one feels as emotional as her.  Me? I'm nice but I'm not soft.  You can't show me sad movies and expect me to care. I don't want to wallow in starving puppies and have a good cry. No cry has ever felt good. That's just a me thing though, I understand most of my peers seem to like it but my love language is not fixing other peoples problems. I understand women often seek to nurture others to overcompensate for the nurturing they wish to receive in return. They want you to mirror back the behavior as their spouse or boyfriend.  Was I not supposed to say that? I dunno.  Doesn't seem like a big secret to me.  

Anyway, back to baby sitting men. I think you have to set your reserve price.  If you accept trash in then that's what you're saying you will settle for. I get that it's hard to determine your own value because it's such a nebulous and subjective thing but at the end of the day if you don't value yourself? No one else will. No one else will value you at all if you don't see the value within yourself.  

Not to sound like a hippie, woo-woo, crystal worshipper but some people are just magic. Have you met someone who just vibrates with such incredibly energy that you want to be near them?  It's like being near a magnet; you just can't help it. They feel like your true north. There are nice normal people, there are fun people, there are exciting risky people, there are energy vampires you detest being around and there are magnetic people who chemically? Just feel undeniable. Why am I saying all this? Be undeniable. Whatever it is that you are? Be that to such a degree that the people who love it will immediately know. Everyone else? They're not for you anyway.  That's my odd little philosophy. Be so undeniably you and don't let other people make you feel bad about it.  Those people are just insecure that they aren't brave enough to be authentically themselves. 

I refuse to pander on a date.  That is, I refuse to pretend to be something because I think my date will appreciate that version of me more. If he likes camping I won't feign an interest in it to force some kind of perceived bond through.  No. If I lie to you it will 100% end badly. I think some women perceive dating as some high stakes game where they have to convince a man of how great they are because they're desperate to show how they're deserving of love. The "pick me" approach to dating, I suppose.  I reject that because you'll like me if you want to. I won't force anything and if I did that'd be weird. I'll be on this side of the table accessing if I think you're worthy of a second date. That's it.  I am not wondering if you'll be my future husband or what our kids will look like. God no, I just want to see how this one date goes. I'm like a goldfish, I have no long term thoughts at all.  A first date in particular? Is so low stakes.  I'm just feeling out a vibe.  

Most women I know dive in to fixing men because it's an act of service and that's how we historically "earn our keep." Look at me! I'm worthy of you because I readily give up so much of myself willingly to show you how you can trust me. I'm not some wildly progressive lady but I don't owe anyone that kind of emotional labor especially if we barely know each other. Maybe I'm selfish but I don't want to pour my heart and soul into someone unless I deem him trustworthy of this incredibly rare and valuable resource.  I'm working up to a level of trust but you don't just immediately GET that.  Show me why I should trust you and I will but I don't owe you anything. 

I loved one guy in my youth. Rob had his top five lists. I definitely do not have five whole men worthy of saying they had a long lasting impact on me. Like, 3 and then my husband? I could stand here and bash MT but I can't. It's not fair to distill an entire relationship to the last half hour.  MT was a nice boy whom I could trust and sometimes we meet people to fulfill a karmic lesson. He was the perfect starter boyfriend and I felt safe loving him. I felt excited to know him but also oddly at ease.  If I could melt into him it still wouldn't be close enough, something about him felt like I already knew him. I surely wanted to love him forever because he felt like someone I could be anchored by but life has other plans for us.  In hindsight he was my inciting incident, he was absolutely right to break up with me and I don’t resent him at all.  Everything after would never have happened without the heartache. What's a good story without an inciting incident? If you asked me at the time however? The tone of my response would have been much more venomous. I was spitting mad.  I'd have a lot of things to say and they'd all be steeped in anger. Not even just sadness but pure rage. Is that normal? I have no idea but that's how I felt. 

I don't regret loving him. I'd do it all again like a fool because I think your first love is foundational. To that I do agree with Rob.  You build your idea of normality from those experiences.  If your first is good you will expect the same from other relationships.  I had a rather lovely boyfriend so I actually had very normal interactions thereafter.  And when my husband came along I wasn't scared of taking a leap of faith.  Well, I was scared if truth be told, but I still believed it was worth it.  I don't want to lie to you, reader. I was very much terrified of messing it up with my now husband, but sometimes you run headfirst into it and you do it scared.  That's what bravery is.  Not the absence of fear, but rather the acknowledgement that the fear isn't going to be enough to stop you. In my case I don't want to live with regrets that I didn't try. 

Does your husband ask you hypothetical situations? Maybe it's just mine because we're always bugging each other.  I hate it but I play along to his curious mind.  After all he puts up with my randomly pinching him and the occasional nibble so you have to be fair. I have these like...fits of aggressive cuteness? Like an ornery cat I sometimes just need to be a little mean but in a super benign adorable way. I surely annoy and confuse him far more than he does me.  He'll have some hypothetical world where I can go back in time and then ask if I'd actively try to find him earlier. And my frank answer is no. I wouldn't wish to skip over the other nonsense even though some of it was awful because a younger Kelly would not have been ready for him and probably would squander my shot. 

Also would I forfeit all my single years laughing with Kim, dancing until 2 a.m., riding mechanical bulls and giving guys grief? I literally only had like 3 years of actual unbound singleness if you minus out all the time spent in relationships. In the grand scheme of my entire life that's a blip.  If I could just meet my "the one" and skip over all of that would I? Some of the best memories of my youth are laughing at boys. To this day I can remember the feeling of the sea breeze ruffling through my hair as a guy piggy backs Kim on the beach and I am cackling at the absurd way we met these dudes and the possibility of adventure on the horizon as well as the likelihood he will try to dunk her in the frigid water. (He didn't. ) It's not really about what you do nor the boys along the path, it's that nervous unbound feeling of possibilities that await you.  That's the magic of youth.  Everything could turn on a dime. One moment it's all bland and boring and the next you're running around laughing at the intoxicating freedom of being young and life feeling boundless.  I think I would be sad to have all that wiped away. Surely those guys and many many more thought less than stunning things about me but who cares about that?  They can perceive me as some uptight frigid meanie and that doesn't really matter.  What I was actually craving was feeling like I was in the driver's seat of my own destiny. 

Because as a girl I was just on a track. Go to school, be good, assimilate, get good grades, make us proud. I followed all the dumb rules and I was told to go to college and I did.  I followed every single rule. I did all the things but who was I deep down?  Who was I? What did I believe in? Who really controlled my life and my aspirations and dreams? Was I being good because I never thought to push back and rebel? I laid my whole heart out and what did I get for it except this foreboding sense of failure because MT didn't think I was worth hanging on for. I was having a quarter life crisis and I wanted to feel the throbbing pulse of my life beating firsthand. If I make a stupid choice will it actually ruin everything?  Am I making too big of a deal out of being exceptional and perfect and rule abiding? Is my unfounded anxiety at letting myself down holding me back? I didn't want to be a passive passenger who just blindly accepted what fell in my path. 

I loved my ex so much. Even in hindsight with my more mature brain, I genuinely loved him with an open hearted ferocity entirely different than other people who proceeded him, but I also had to face the reality he never asked me to drop everything to be with him. We didn't form a cohesive game plan for an actual lifetime. We might have loved one another but we didn't crack down and really get to the meat of it all and where we saw ourselves going with this in six months, in 13 months, in 2 years. What is this? How much are we both willing to sacrifice and if the answer is we cannot do more then we should just split.  I was building a castle in the sky and it was a disservice to myself and relationships in general to assume he knew how to read my mind.  That's maturity. I can be sad he broke up with me rather than allowing me some sense of agency in the split but I am an active participant in a relationship and I should take responsibility for my fair share. Something was broken in our relationship and he just happened to notice first.  Also, I could not have reasonably loved him any more and thus "fixed" this. Love is a feeling but ultimately for a long term relationship? It's an action. You have to DO it and active verb put effort into it.  It's not a passive thing, noun, you just willy nilly tumble into. Active verb. 

I just selfishly wanted to hold on because loving him made sense and the absence of his love made me feel like I must have done something wrong.  You go from one day thinking someone in this vast world actually loves you and the next you're down one friend and you're not supposed to care anymore.  It's a big emotional shift. I felt as though I were mourning the loss of my best friend and naturally that is an enormously painful thing to work through. If someone in your life literally died no one would think it strange that you are devastated but for some reason when it's a boyfriend breakup everyone's advice is to "get back out there!" I wish I had really amazing advice on getting over it but I don't other than to not isolate. Your friends need to be your support system because its easy to slip into wallowing and ideation. Especially in your mind? Dude is perfect and in real life? He's not. Don't idealize the person. The person is flawed and on their own journey.  You miss the feeling. You deserve to find it again and frankly even better.

What do guys do? From what I can tell they dive into another relationship or minimally try to sleep their way into numbness. Or literal numbness I guess. I always seem to forget that people use substances to help alleviate the dread of reality. Particularly young people just love pushing it to the limit and drinking to oblivion or vaping. Vaping seems the new hottest way of enduring life. We made smoking cigarettes seem so evil no one does it anymore but now everyone vapes. I never personally did any of that but that's because I'm lame. Lame McLamington. I have no idea what it's like being on oxy or popping a xany because I didn't see the point and addicting habits seem expensive. What must it be like to have money to just throw around? Anyway, for some reason men tend to not fully process the feelings in the moment and prefer to push it off to a later date. Using our friend Rob as an example he seemed to just land in some other woman's path, get comfortable there and then wonder why she would bail on him. In his mind everyone else bailed on him and he couldn't figure out why. 

I had a friend in college. Well, I suppose friend might be in inaccurate word because he was basically just biding his time hoping I would have a momentary lapse of judgement and fall madly in love with him but I've yet to hear a singular word that encapsulates that particular situation.  People would say I friendzoned him but I feel it's kind of pejorative.  It's not my fault he wasn't the kind of man who is exciting and riveting to me in a romantic sense and frankly am I not allowed to hope people can actually just BE friends?  Anyway, he was always complaining that he was alone and he really wanted a girlfriend. Truly I never met anyone so determined to fully settle down at such a young age that wasn't also like...part of some severely limiting religious background.  Even girls my age were more chill than he was. And if I asked him what he was looking for it was the vaguest thing in the world.  A girl of indeterminate height with hair who is nice and likes him. No shared interests required.

I reject the idea that all guys are bound to just sleep around and be opportunistic players. He and a few others serve as examples of guys who were glad to just jump right in to commitment. Sometimes people just want to dive in. I think a lot actually do desire some connection.  In his case? I think my friend was trying to use a girlfriend to fill all the holes in his emotional and social line up because he perceived he could kill 30 birds with one stone.  That stone was to be his girlfriend, friend, dinner companion, movie date, therapist, support system, roommate...you name it she'd be enough for him.  He'd need for no one else if he just had her.  Also focusing so hard on one thing distracts you from all the other bad stuff you're trying to avoid like if you're depressed and if you want to go to grad school...etc. Your love life can be an easy distraction from the bigger picture. 

With hindsight I find this absolutely terrifying because as a flighty person the idea of a man demanding I be his entire world is overwhelming and intimidating.  Perhaps some people like this?  I think being placed on a pedestal is awful because I myself? I am a mess.  If you idealize what I mean to you I'm going to let you down because I cannot live up to a false idea of myself. I make flippant remarks. I am absurd. I never know how to take a compliment. I hate amateur poetry with a visceral burning disgust. I categorically don't understand how to enjoy sour cream as a condiment. It's sour, it makes me feel yucky like I'm eating expired dairy products. I am absolutely going to let you down because that's what we all do.  Plus I'm already aware I'm bad at vulnerability.  You should not lean on me of all people.  I'll say something insensitive thinking I'm lightening the mood and it will land like a grenade. 

I've been people's ideal and I don't like it. One because it's too high stakes to let you down like that. Two because you probably don't even like me, you just like this romantic idea of me.  Trust me, guys are whimsical too. 

In the movie Charlie is played by the gorgeous Catherine Zeta Jones.  She is stunningly beautiful so I don't deny that any man likely would fall in love at first sight but the burden of beauty is sometimes men just like the beauty and then build love around it.  They like seeing the beauty. They like having it by their side staring up into their eyes. The beauty is a reflection of your value as a man because you caught her! You sly dog, you managed to confuse and manipulate this gorgeous woman to like you! Her mere existence on your arm will affirm your masculinity to others because they will see what you pulled. He was man enough to achieve THAT! She represents that you were successful in being a man. She represents that someone that hot is into you and desires you.  She is a mirror of your worth and you're hungry to see that worth. Like Narcissus staring into the pool of water you want to see that beauty and your value in the reflection with little regard if you drown. 

I know this very well. I don't know how but I've stumbled into being that girl a few times.  Being a dream girl sounds great until you realize he doesn't even know you or care to know the actual you. The surface level you is enough to make him feel special and he wants you to continue shining your light on him. That's it. It's just infatuation and the thing is? You can't even convince him that he loves the wrong thing.  He can oftentimes be totally obsessed with you so from appearances sake you think it's great. I have this totally devoted dude! But it doesn't feel legitimately grounded.  That's part of why I kept that college friend a full arms length away. He was just grabbing on to any lifesaver. When you're drowning do you care what they throw at you? It could be a blow up alligator, a boogie board...you wouldn't care because you just want something to keep you afloat. That's how he made me feel. Surely anybody could keep you afloat; it's not about me.  I felt as though anybody with a proper pulse would have been sufficient and I don't want to be sufficient, okay? 

I'm not implying I'm some glorious supermodel looking gal. I am not. I am pretty in a normal world with normal people. I guess it's ignorant to ignore the impact of "pretty privilege" but frankly it's done little for me beyond making me a lot more jaded of other people's intentions. If there's anything particularly special about me it's just that I like myself and I live in the moment of having a good time.  I'm having fun because I'm there. But there's always an emotionally stunted man who somehow perceives this as some mind blowing situation where he has never bonded with anyone like this before.  What?  Were we on the same date? I doodled on the placemats and made a full discussion about why mandarin oranges are weird because there is no way Chinese people are throwing canned tangerine segments in a dish. This Chinese chicken salad is therefore a distinctly American creation because citrus wouldn't prosper in that climate. This is what you think your soul mate babbles on about?  I give this level of conversational effort to everyone. In fact I have to give more if you're not holding up your half so I'm basically giving you a lecture about how oranges grow in warm temperatures. 

I empathize with Charlie because though she's played as a just fully self absorbed blow hard, she's alone. Marco left her, Rob left her...you might perceive being her as something admirable and amazing but it's still challenging nonetheless.  I think the overall plot implies that Rob was playing out of his league with her, but that's not a thing. She voluntarily chose to be with him so in her defense she liked him and she has the right to date whomever she wants.  She is a unique and specific person and it's not her fault Rob didn't notice. She's also kind of a narcissist who likes everyone to fawn over her, but who doesn't? It feels powerful to roll around in your "feminine power" and have everyone on the edge of their seats to just be in the presence of such beauty.

Did you date out of your "league"?  I guess I never thought too hard about it.  Once you're outside the boundaries of high school and the social hierarchy that exists within that small world it doesn't really matter who you date. You just date based on vibes and who you feel you click with. I didn't think too hard about if the guy I was dating was deemed cool. I self identify as a weirdo introvert nerd and that's never stopped anyone from hitting on me.  And when I mustered the courage to hit on guys, or Kim literally just shoved me bodily toward them like some wide eyed sacrifice to the volcano it's not because they were so popular.  She just aimed for cute dudes who made active eye contact.  And yes I did occasionally feel she was just shoving me along because I was very timid for a while. I don't blame her, at all. I was in stick in the mud mode for a while. I have moments of extroversion but I'm better one on one or small groups. Lots of people are intimidating. I am scared of them judging me. Especially when I was completely sober? Such a wet blanket. I was an uptight old lady in a teenagers body.  

I did tend to date more conventionally attractive men but I found it more equitable that way. "Nice" average looking guys have a tendency to want to jump too fast and get too quickly attached and it freaks me out. Same with Casanovas, I cannot take the compliments seriously.  There is no way you're sincere saying all that stuff about me, you've got to be blowing smoke up my butt.  It throws off all my love bomb alarm systems.  I didn't perceive it as dating out of my league if we had a mutual attraction though. If I'm into you? Then I can sort of trust my instincts. Sometimes I felt a little weird dating particularly handsome guys but that was more just discomfort that I simply didn't belong with him and that I was low class and once he noticed I'd be rightfully discarded not because I didn't believe we liked one another but because we're just two worlds apart. I suffered from a lot of impostor syndrome and not feeling quite good enough. We can dig into my traumas later, but I never felt too ugly for a guy but I've often felt like I'm essentially trailer trash and at some point he will notice I don't fit in to his WASPy life and his mom hates me and oh boy is this going to be an uphill battle. 

I don't think the idea of living alone in apartment with a bunch of cats wearing fabulous caftans is that bad of a life either.  As long as I had a strong support network of friends it sounds kind of amazing.  If I never met the right man it doesn't seem so bad to just be by myself.  Maybe I'd take up sewing and make some caftans for the cats. I'd fill the corners of my life with something.  Living a fabulous single life isn't as bad as they made it sound in all the books warning me about being a spinster.  Funny enough my husband scoffed at the idea of a life of complete bachelorhood and said that was never his vision.  Which is kind of surprising because I figure guys didn't think too hard about their long term life goals since they so rarely talk out loud of such dreams.  He said he always saw himself getting married and having kids. I find this adorable. Firstly it was nice to be dating a man who didn't just want to casually date ad infinitum. Secondly I felt more secure in voicing my wants knowing he would be supportive of it. I was always tentative even admitting I'd want to be married because what if it never happened? What if I jinxed myself for wanting something that absurdly unavailable to me? 

Love is fun. I know it's aggravating as hell when you're single and it seems an endless well of idiots who want only to use you up like a kleenex but I guess I always enjoy the beginning. Again, the endless well of possibilities is thrilling. The actual tedium of a real person and their bland or weirdly racist personality can be incredibly offputting but I prefer to focus on the positive. Each man is technically a new path and potential ending and the endless mixture of options plus the unknown variables of chemistry and compatibility boggle the mind.  And I have a very vast imagination so it's a titillating mental exercise. Unless he's boring, then all I can imagine is just a life of eating in front of the TV simmering in resentments. 

I turned 40 this year and man, it's been weird.  Not that I dislike getting older. I actually think I'm more at ease in my skin now than I was when I was 115lbs and conventionally more desirable. I don't think I'm prettier with age but I do have less impostor syndrome so I don't feel like this is all a sham. I very much deserve to be here.  I just don't entirely like that half of my life has passed by. How did that happen? And now how do I make the second half equally good? Also what is remaining that I haven't already checked off? Kim and I often joke "add it to the list" every time we feel like we should do something like sing karaoke or wear matching sun hats with matching drink tumblers. Silly stuff that makes us feel happy or particularly alive. It doesn't have to be anything huge. It can be as silly as "buy authentic cowboy boots in Texas." We already did the standard things of getting married, having kids, buying a house, buying another house, traveling...I went to Italy just this past autumn. My life is pretty cool. What else should I strive to do? I feel like all the things I thought I had to do have already flown by and now I need to make concrete plans for the future before another worldwide pandemic hits and stops all my progress.

I thought being this age would mean I was mature and frankly I feel exactly as I ever have. My skin is a little looser and my butt isn't in the same spot I recall it being when I was younger but internally? I feel the same. Life doesn't feel like it suddenly moved to easy mode.  I still look forward and see a ton of stuff to learn, more countries I want to visit, wild outfits I wish to wear, crazy style choices I haven't made.  I don't want to be one of those annoying Boomers that complains about every single change in anything and is calcified in their beliefs and behaviors.  I want to still see the world as something full of possibilities rather than dangers and evils.

You're probably thinking why are you overthinking this movie? I'm not. I've been mulling lots of things but this?  This is just fun.  I'm not actually emotionally attached at all.  I may seem like I care but it's just a jolly little jaunt through some ideas because wanting to find someone is pretty universal. It feels nice having your inclusion needs met even if we're incredibly dumb as we are doing it.  Girls have like hundreds of terrible chick flicks.  Guys had John Cussack movies for a minute but that seems to have dried up and most guy focused movies depress the heck out of me.  I just can't deal with anymore terrible people doing bad things and hurting others that they love. My nerves are wrung dry.  I want nice but clueless people to eventually grow up and mature. If my husband makes me watch another gangster movie I will scream. No more war movies, no more gangster movies, no more drug lord movies...dear God I refuse.  They are all such energy sucking bummers that ruin my mood for the rest of the night.  My mood is already terrible, let's not throw that thing into the pits of despair while we're at it.  Do you know why KDramas are so popular? We want emotional build up so slow that maybe 13 episodes in they graze each other's palms.  Keep it simple.  I'm tired of everyone being sexual deviants who whip each other, okay? I don't see the relatable part of that. 

When you get older you can't help but look backward and wonder about the path not taken. That's basically Rob's jaunt through girlfriends past. He couldn't see how he was self sabotaging in the moment.  Ditto. I simply didn't know what I didn't know so I couldn't have reasonably made better choices. It's only with hindsight that it's obvious what I should have done.  I wish I had an older mentor I guess. Someone who already did all the rough stuff and was happy to bluntly break it down when I was too naive to comprehend the game of social interactions.  Because I'm obviously out of touch now but some things remain universal. The whole dance of dating seems to balance precariously on caring the least.  Yes I want to get to know you and make a real connection but I also need you to pretend to give us space so I don't feel claustrophobic.  We talk and text and hang out all the time but we never at any point discuss what we are to one another because emotions are vulnerable and hard but being naked is easy.  I want you to care about me but I lack the maturity or ability to care about you in kind. I also try to actively avoid any possible chance at discomfort at all costs because I don't have effective coping mechanisms. 

Kim likes to bug me about having a podcast.  I think the world is full of actually reputable professionals that can give way better advice than me.  I'll offer some funny quips and a moderately agreeable face but otherwise? The market is full.  There's no need for me. I didn't even study behavioral health. Don't take my dating advice. I am not equipped to give you any PC advice since I was single literally decades ago and surely was functioning under regressive ideas.  I simply am good at pointing out where the problems are but I'm not so great at providing solutions.  It's not the best superpower.  It's kind of a bummer at parties. 

Ultimately? I loved "High Fidelity" in college, especially as I was in my big sad breakup phase. Something about it rang true to my feelings at the time. My favorite quotes include "I miss her smell, and the way she tastes. It's a mystery of human chemistry and I don't understand it, some people, as far as their senses are concerned, just feel like home."  I felt that was the closest thing I felt at the time to how I missed my ex. Of course I can just meet someone else, there are guys happy to take on that role if I allowed them but I don't want anyone. I wanted that feeling of home again. I'm a lot older now so I still have nostalgia about that feeling. That yearning for that piece of comfort in another person. Not just the sex stuff, the actual deep feeling that I can be myself and feel wrapped up in safety and understanding. Actual love isn't just passionate sweaty adrenaline pumping desire. Once all that mellows out actual love is a much quieter subtler feeling. 

If there's a quote I like now, it's probably "I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments."  I think that's the current temperature of 2023. I'm not an advice column (obviously) but commit to something. It doesn't have to be a person. Commit to having a passion. Commit to having a dream and making it come true. Don't just float on the breeze thinking non commitmental indifference would be sufficient. And the nice thing is if the dream doesn't work out, make a new dream. No one says you have to be stuck with the same dream you had at 6 years old forever.